I can’t believe that I’m finally starting my new job at the Gates Foundation on Monday.  I feel a mixture of panic and euphoria.  After six months riding a roller coaster of uncertainty, I’m looking forward to some stability. 

I’m going to miss my old job.  I spent three years working with some of the most talented and creative people I’ve ever met.  I traveled around the world and learned new skills.  I grew from being a cocky Peace Corps volunteer into a confident business professional.  I learned how to carry myself with pride, but I also learned how to deal with humiliation.  I spent most of my time hating the job, but I have a hard time imagining myself doing anything else.  Consulting constantly stretched me to my limits and I’m not sure anything will be as sadomasochistically (is that a word?) satisfying.  I also used it as a crutch for so many of my personal shortcomings.  I’ll have to find something new to blame 🙂

Why am I moving on?  I don’t know.  Sometimes I feel like the carrots weren’t enough to keep me going, but deep down I know that’s not true.  It wasn’t until the past year that I truly appreciated what a career in consulting would bring, and I believe it is definitely worth it.  I think the answer lies in my definition of hapiness and satisfaction.  I think I was spending too much time trying to fit my work around these concepts without recognizing that it wasn’t the career that would deliver them to me. 

I want to help people.  I don’t want to care about profit or anything else.  I want to feel like my work is directly impacting people in a positive way.  This is not really an altruistic need, it’s a selfish desire to always feel like the world is a better place with me in it.  I’m not going to be a total dipshit and say consulting doesn’t do this – often, our projects assist millions of customers.  In a big company, every project has the potential to do this and the measurable impacts of our work may be greater than what most non-profits could ever hope to accomplish.  So what’s my problem?  I suppose it lies in the motive… our benefits are a side effect of the desire for higher shareholder returns.  That taint is what hurts me most.  When I tell people that I’m an IT consultant, it doesn’t reflect my passions.  It sounds like I’m a proud member of the rat race, and I hate that.

What am I hoping for with my new job?  I’m looking forward to working with a large non-profit.  I want to feel a more regular feeling of satisfaction, instead of settling for the status quo until it becomes a distant memory.  Maybe my daily grind will no longer feel like a grind, and even if it does, I look forward to having more time to spend on my side interests.  Am I blowing my expectations out of proportion?  Probably… but I’m sure this was a risk worth taking.